Life-Saving Lingerie for the Zombie Apocalypse
According to the movie ‘Zombieland’ there are 32 rules to follow in case of a zombie attack… but while going through the list I didn’t see ANY mention of clothing or underwear. What was this guy thinking?! Clothing and undergarments are extremely important and can make the difference between life and death! Fortunately for you, I’ve composed a list of important types of lingerie and underwear that can save your life in case of a zombie apocalypse!
For starters, I agree 100% that Cardio should be the #1 rule on the list! You will be doing a lot of running and sweating so you should be wearing breathable material that’s sweat absorbent and keeps you dry and cool – wet clothes will only weigh you down! Try cotton panties like our Bra Doctor 2071 cotton hipster. Another great underwear choice is bamboo fabric; not only is it super comfy, it’s also anti-bacterial. Showers and baths will become a luxury so your bamboo panties will be (slightly more) hygienic! I also do not suggest wearing any sort of thong or g-string. For comfort’s sake, wear hipsters or boy shorts because the last thing you want is to stop to pick a wedgie while you’re being chased by zombies. Lastly, you might want to consider wearing something like Elita’s thermal Warm Wear clothing (especially the leggings) because it’ll keep you warm and toasty during those cold nights when you’re hiding out someplace with no heating.
Because there will be a lot of running involved, your girls will need to be held upright and close to your chest instead of flopping all over. You don’t want to get attacked by zombies because you had to stop and place your breasts back into the proper position, or are blinded from all the jiggle in your face. Wear a supportive sports bra like our Triumph 8208 Tri-Action Sports Bra. The fabric should have some stretch; you won’t be eating a lot, so your boobs may lose weight. You need the material to accommodate any size fluctuations.
It’s also important to wear shoulder cushions or shoulder pads; not only will it alleviate any discomfort on your chest from always running but it will also create a protection on your shoulders for when you are firing rifles. Those things are very heavy and you need you use your shoulder to brace the recoil. This means that when you are shooting and the back of the gun is forced into your shoulder the extra padding will prevent bruising and make you look really cool and may make everyone (zombies and remaining humans alike) think twice before messing with you!
It would be extra useful to wear a padded bra to help prevent pain and injuries if hit in the chest or falling down onto your stomach. You must protect your breasts at all times! Wearing a padded bra with removable pads (cookies), like the 29704123 Florence Bra by Change of Scandinavia would be most ideal. You can have the extra padding and if you don’t need it at the moment, you can use the spare space to store your ammo. In case of a zombie attack, there is NO such thing as having too many bullets.
If you want more uses for your lingerie, I’d highly recommend wearing a garter belt (we like the Midnight Kiss satin garter belt by Blush) because they have lot of utility. You can use them to pull yourself up (if you need to use it like a rope, has great strength and elasticity, can hold a lot of weight), go zip lining (in case of a quick getaway across the lake, we all know that zombies don’t swim), as a makeshift gun holster… and many other practical life-saving uses. All these things can make the smallest difference but can greatly increase your chances of staying alive.
Here’s a bit more zombie-evading advice: Avoid lace. Not only may it tear too easily but it can become really uncomfortable if it’s the only pair of underwear you’ll be able to wear for weeks at time. Secondly, no corsets! You’ll be running so you need to be able to breathe! No need to be constrained to create the perfect little waist. The only guys checking you out will be dead and wanting to eat your brains. Thirdly, don’t wear latex or leather. You are running and sweating your skin needs to breathe! Fourth, put away those sexy bras and panties and go for the more versatile, comfortable and breathable stuff. Fifth, don’t wear anything too heavy – it will only slow you down. You’ll have enough to carry as it is you want to keep your lingerie and undergarments as light as possible!
I hope these tips help you better prepare for the zombie apocalypse, because according to many horror movies (and conspiracy buffs), a zombie attack is inevitable. I believe that if you follow these simple and helpful rules, you may be able to stay alive that much longer. Hey, you might even turn into Alice from Resident Evil and kick some major zombie butt! 😉
Good luck to all my ladies & gents and Happy Halloween!!
Sources and References
*All lingerie and accessories shown available at Now That’s Lingerie.
Featured image with finger zombies:
Woman with zombie boyfriend:
If zombies chase us I’m tripping you picture:
Zombies hate fast food picture: